day 13 rely

Re-lie is exactly that nothing more then a lie, setting aside (in most situations) ones own responsibility to act in hopes of relying on somthing or somone else to do the thing.

eveyone has a job to do and if getting the job done effectivly require all participates then one can see how relying on others might be a suitable reaction. Why? When you know what you have to do why rely on another? Maybe because we feel more capable for the task set out for the other person we rely on, or maybe the reaction from an effective job done is more important than the task you were set out to do.

Either way, relying on somthing is problimatic and in most cases stressful. This does appear to be the accepted reality we live in though were people rely on one another. Is it real though? Those who rely on others are there relys met? I doubt it. Im sure starving people rely on being fed cause well they will die without being fed. So what is it really to rely on somthing?

Perhaps people that rely on material gains isnt really relying at all. They are just RE-(LIEING) and those that rely on physical support to dam well live in this world are genuinly relying on somthing, as a tree relys on carbon dioxide, or the human body relys on h2o.

Id suggest to those whos actual needs are met to never rely on another. Lets allocate the word rely back to where is belongs. As humans we have a responsibility to the animal and plant aswell as eachother to assist and support in providing what is necassary. Not what one deems necassary but what everyone can commonly agree upon. life is reliate on many things and that stands firm alongside truth. Rely on giving life as you rely on each breath that give you life.

I forgive myself for allowing amd accepting myself to rely on anything outside of my physical capabilities allowing a RE-LIE instead of truth which is obviously in dire need on this earth. I commit myself to rely only on myself with my process of correcting the mind consciousness system to enable complete and utter support of myself and to stop and breathe where i see myself relying on another for a gain that can only exist in the mind as the world gain to should be alocated souly to those that actually need gains.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the abuse of the world rely by placing it on another therefor abusing the other and myself and life by re telling the lie within my mind consciousness system and i commit myself to stop participating with the accepted and allowed definition of rely and breathe through any experiance where i see myself relying on others and instead do what needs to be done to actually form the self trust necassary in building a relying relationship with myself and through that giving what is actually needed to life and not the mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to rely on myself in world that clearly has lost the meaning of what it actually means to rely on somthing. I commit myself to give back to myself through breath placing myself here within my self correction as the physical world is relying on my the stregthen myself with the world system to aid and assist humanity in realizing its short comings, and i commit myself to breathe and push through any and all obsticals set out before me to bring about an outcome that is best for all Life.

Day 12 desteni

I have recently projected on to desteni this construct of " out to get me " creating almost like an enemy out of desteni but not exactly. See ill explain in detail without getting.tondeep into it because a lot of the starting point is from past experiances with desteni with which i found it not practical currently in my process to go too far back because well simlly put i was a massive stoner and a lot of my exoeriance of myself as i look back was influenced by marijuana so ill only go back as far as when my sobriety began, for now.

There has been some complication with and maybe some mis-understandings about starting my dip course. Aultimately this allowed for my mind to push the idea that maybe desteni doesnt like me very much, because of my past experiances. Within my mind i felt as  though i was being tested, to see if id react in a certian way, which like ive said my self value is through the roof so of course i didnt allow the ideas to become me but that was in away my mind creating the idea of "out to get me" or an enemy out of desteni. Of course I, the stable luc i have found within sobriety doesnt believe any of that and i push the idea away cause i know from tangible life that certian indivduals within desteni have been very supportive to me, to i hold onto that, the actual bennifits i have realized through desteni.

But somtimes my interactions with desteni are not with those key individuals and thats when my mind trys to enforce the idea of sabatoge, that those individuals are stating things purposely to see how ill react. I say to myself, "they just want my money" and inorder to have support by the key individuals i trust ill have to give my money first. Now these are projections if my mind, i am nkt stateing them as me cause i know desteni is not out to get anyone, or create enemys.

So inorder for me, luc, this new experiances of myself to let go of these ideas i asserted to myself what a key individual has told me, to use the forums, to write yourself out on the forums and that they are here to support me. So i have let go of my desire to participate within the dip and instead just write myself out day by day untill i can be mkre stable within myself... but i cant lie, i still have this mis trust that all that is wanted is my money, and of course money is important right, and you dont just give your money away to anyone right? Ihave donated freely once somthing around $200 and i have signed up for dip payiing bith the startup fee and assignment fee, but i had more trust then i guess. Its not that i dont trust desteni, its just this extensive build up of the past while being high! The truth is i dont feel trusted by desteni and that is inforced everytime i press the sudmit button. I understand i am responsible for everything in my life and i will take full reslonsibility for everythingnin my life but its a day by day process and for now the best thing for me is to simply write on the forums everday where i see points come up within me during my day.

Ine day i will establish my trust again my self trust and hence my trust in others, fir niw i will simply write day by day. So gitta get to work here as there are a lot of points mentioned above

Past experiances, creating enemys, miss trust in self, miss trust in others, projecting, here due to the past. And the great deciever... fear.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place here and now past experiances, i know that by doing that i am only enforcing a state of self sabatoge and that is mainky what i have allowed and accepted of myself as a pot head, to give up on myself and let my self spiral out of self support and group support that desteni offers all due to my allowance of past experiances to form as memory within me and try to express itself without me, but it can not because the real me in here the man i want to be and see and i commit myself to run the mind through self forgiveness and self corrective statements untill it is done  where i can once again learn to trust myself. I commit myself to breathe through the exoeriance of memoried from my past experiances trying to exfuliate into my beingness and not allow myself to participate with such self sabatoging projections.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to creat enemys in my life through my projections of past experiances, when i know that my duty is to myself currently to assist and supoort myself here and now to build up a new luc that is not from my past as the pothead i was because i realize that the luc i was was not who i wanted to be amd that a month of sobriety has certianly shown me that i need to establish myself first within this new exoeriances of myself before i can ever learn to trust myself and trust others. I commit myself to breathe through the back chat of the past that trys to create enemys out of oeople and also an enemy of myself within self sabatoge where my mind brings me back to a state of beingness that i use to allow and acceot but do not any more! I commit myself to breathe and write my experiances out as detailed a possible to uncover the truth of myself and what i have become which will enable me to write a new luc to rescriot myself as to being the best for life and myself.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not trust myself and allowing myself to participate with the mistrust i had formed in myself from my past. I realize that here and now within breath is my chance to trancsend this point and to establish myself as trust in.myself know i will become the man i want to see by applying myself within self forgiveness and self corrective statements. I commit myself to breathe through the exoeriance of mistrust in myself and others by holding my agreements with myself first as my self support comes first at this time in my life as i have only recently found my true self within actually apply myself to create  and rescriot this self into reality.

i forgive myself for allowing and acceoting myself to not trust other beings as i know thisnus a sypmtom of not being able to trust myself. Of course i understand that trust is not somthing that can be given away freely and by learning to trust myself i will learn who i can olace trust in by seeing the words clearly and seeing the being clearly within self trust. I commit myself to realize that this point of trusting others is a difficult rescriot because people espechaly outside of desteni mostly cant be trusted and untill i have re scrioted my own self trust i connot possibly give trust away as i will only be hurting myself in the end. I commit myself to breathe and let go of the points of mistrust in ithers and kearn to develope this trust within myself untill i am fit and ready to apply trust in others.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project onto others based on last experiances as i realize completely that my past with a build of fairy shit that almost everything i was doing was based in some kind of self interest and not actual self supoort that will improves the quality of my life. I commit myself to realize that by quitting weed i have opened the door to self change and that 31 years of self creation can nkt be rescrioted in a month and that it will take serious dedication and time to rescriot a good base of self for me to go on as i realize now that i dont have an actual foundation of self support under me that all i have is an accumilation of past exoeriances that always broke down under me, i commit myself to build a strong foundation of self supoort before i even consider building a house that can support others as i realize my foundation is gaining actual stregth only this past month and that it will take time to break through the old foundation of self to create a new.

i forgive myself for allowing and acceoting fear into my new experiance of myself, fear of self sabatoge, fear of miss trust in myself, fear of crumbling under a weak foundation of self support, fear of projecting my shit onto others. I commit myself to realize that there is no fear here, that within this breath is only my ability to aoply myself within rescripting myself from an organic robot into life where i will no longer allow programs to go unoticed and instead run them through my new rescioting upgrade of self awareness, self forgiveness, and self correction through self commitment. I owe this to myself and to acouole key individuals that without them, i would not be here right now and of course i owe it to my world and life for all the harm i have caused.

Day 12 oneness

Sitting on the bus on my way to work. I noticed an older lady get up from her seat to move to another seat. odd, i thought to myself, what was wrong with were she was sitting? I looked over and beside her was an older man that appeared grungy and dirty. This all happened within seconds and when I looked at the grudgy man i noticed him look at the older lady then looking down as though upset that no one was sitting next to him.

My routine of deep breathes in the morning was taken from me, well intruth i decided to particpate with the reactions of my mind and i was trapped in an idea of that women being a bitch and feeling compassinate towards the older man. So I got up and sat next to him, he was suprised cause he looked up at me and it appeard he felt a bit better. I looked over at the older lady and she was already looking at me and quickly turned her gaze away And her herself was looking down, physicaly looking down like that man had. Understand thus all took place very fast and i was abke to recognize just what I had done.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to seperate myself from that older lady as though I myself have never gotten up to avoid sitting next to a certian person. I commit myself to realize that she is allowed to make her own disicions and my only obligation upon noticeing what had taken place was to offer physical support where i was able too, like sitting next to the older man making him feel a little less consious about no one sitting next to him.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to label the older man as a victim of that older ladys choice not to sit next to him, i commit myself to understand that there was no victim only physical support where i as my beingness can offer. By labeking the older lady or the older man i am infact participating with the mind of abuse that wants its revenge on me and knows me like every strand of hair in my head and i commit myself to realize that my accepted and allowed mind will attempt the supple things to go unoticed in order to plant seeds of existance within me and I refuse!

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting an attachment of doing whats right, again another attempt of the mind to cintrol me through polarity as doing whats right creates a dimension of doing whats wrong and instead pull it all back to myself and how i am able to be supportive to life where i am able to. I commit myself to breathe and establish this realization when ever i notice my mind consiousness system attempting to label me as right.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting negative abusive words towards the older lady and she simply knows not what she does and to judge her and label her is not supportive to her once so ever, i commit myself to realize that i need to remove these useless words of abuse like "BITCH" from my vocabulary and i am well aware that it only has a negative effect on my enteral expriance and apply what i have realized as oneness and equality that perhaps just the gesture of sitting beside the man was enough to make her think about it herself as i know that is what took place but by adding in my own creation of the word bitch i was infact a participate of the mcs.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create the word bitch in this world and to give power to word offten in a negative reaction towards women that i label as such simply because the exoeriance i have with a women is labeled as negative. i commit myself ti realize that breath will assist in removeing these negative attachments and to apply forgiveness whenever i notice these negative reactions towards women that cause as i apply the word bitch, all by my choice my participation and i commit myself to stop this as this is not the man i choose to see and be in our world.

Day 10 pride

What is pride? Is it a state mind where one feels confindent in a certian area of their life? Is pride having certian physical traits that exceed the average? Perhaps one can have pride in the mental capacity to solve a riddle or formulate math equations faster and more affectively than the average? Can a weak man have pride in his stregth or an uneducated man have pride in his education? 

For me pride exists in my physical traits, the genetics of my ancestors and being born taller and stronger than the average person. I perticularly notice the enforcement of pride when I see a guy that is taller than me or in better shape with bigger muscles. Within my is this conflict nature that says, "i can take him" "im still better than him" as though i am now in some kind of contest with this other individual. Also when there are guys just a little smaller than me, i have noticed this enforcment of pride where i say things like "haha im taller" or "haha im got more mucsles than you" and ever when there are guys of equal size, i raise my chest, pick my chin up just a little bit more and follow with genaraly the same statements within all of which in force this sense of pride.

A couple years ago, i started planting a seed in me that whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine. So when i heard a buddy say, "luc your fucking huge man, you look good" i would reply, " whats mine is yours" so if ever you need extra reach to grab somthing just let me know and ill assist, and like wize. Like my buddy was small and nible and maybe i would need a smaller man to retreave somthing in a small area, well, shabam! enforcing not just pride anymore but the ideas of equality and how we can effectivly come to an understanding that doesnt make one of us better then the other. Recently i have noticed that this seed had grown where i dont compare with other guys because i realize that we are all unique in our physical abilities hense all have somthing to offer. not nesaccarily physical too, i mean my buddy might need his home repaired and i might need my taxs filed inwitch both of us have capabilities we both need but dont have unless through eachother. Pretty cool realization about pride because it is through that that pride can be real, where one doesnt have pride in just their abilities but the abilities of everyone in our direct realtionships.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting pride in my hidden mind to hold an abusive starting point about MY pride in MY genetic dispostion and i commit myself to realize that real pride can only exist through everyone standing together in creating a life that is more benificial to all and not just some. 

I forgive myself for allowing ajd accepting myself to raise my chest or lift my chin in pride to compeat with another being instead of seeing that other being as my equal. I commit myself to breathe through the experiance of compitition through pride and establish what i have realized, that we are all of value as life and no one is better in any way shape or form. We are equal and that is that.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look down at others through my physical pride as being stronger or bigger and there for creating seperation with genetic dipsition as though i choose to be big and that man choose to be small lol, taking pride in things that were out of both of our controle and useing it in an abusive way to make myself feel better about myself through pride. I commit myself to never again allow myself to see another as less than me because of size or anything for that matter and to breathe through any reactions where i see myself doing this, i realize that this will assist me in my starting point of creating real relationships in my world that are not based in fairy shit and instead actual physical support of one another. Cheers.