Day 12 desteni

I have recently projected on to desteni this construct of " out to get me " creating almost like an enemy out of desteni but not exactly. See ill explain in detail without getting.tondeep into it because a lot of the starting point is from past experiances with desteni with which i found it not practical currently in my process to go too far back because well simlly put i was a massive stoner and a lot of my exoeriance of myself as i look back was influenced by marijuana so ill only go back as far as when my sobriety began, for now.

There has been some complication with and maybe some mis-understandings about starting my dip course. Aultimately this allowed for my mind to push the idea that maybe desteni doesnt like me very much, because of my past experiances. Within my mind i felt as  though i was being tested, to see if id react in a certian way, which like ive said my self value is through the roof so of course i didnt allow the ideas to become me but that was in away my mind creating the idea of "out to get me" or an enemy out of desteni. Of course I, the stable luc i have found within sobriety doesnt believe any of that and i push the idea away cause i know from tangible life that certian indivduals within desteni have been very supportive to me, to i hold onto that, the actual bennifits i have realized through desteni.

But somtimes my interactions with desteni are not with those key individuals and thats when my mind trys to enforce the idea of sabatoge, that those individuals are stating things purposely to see how ill react. I say to myself, "they just want my money" and inorder to have support by the key individuals i trust ill have to give my money first. Now these are projections if my mind, i am nkt stateing them as me cause i know desteni is not out to get anyone, or create enemys.

So inorder for me, luc, this new experiances of myself to let go of these ideas i asserted to myself what a key individual has told me, to use the forums, to write yourself out on the forums and that they are here to support me. So i have let go of my desire to participate within the dip and instead just write myself out day by day untill i can be mkre stable within myself... but i cant lie, i still have this mis trust that all that is wanted is my money, and of course money is important right, and you dont just give your money away to anyone right? Ihave donated freely once somthing around $200 and i have signed up for dip payiing bith the startup fee and assignment fee, but i had more trust then i guess. Its not that i dont trust desteni, its just this extensive build up of the past while being high! The truth is i dont feel trusted by desteni and that is inforced everytime i press the sudmit button. I understand i am responsible for everything in my life and i will take full reslonsibility for everythingnin my life but its a day by day process and for now the best thing for me is to simply write on the forums everday where i see points come up within me during my day.

Ine day i will establish my trust again my self trust and hence my trust in others, fir niw i will simply write day by day. So gitta get to work here as there are a lot of points mentioned above

Past experiances, creating enemys, miss trust in self, miss trust in others, projecting, here due to the past. And the great deciever... fear.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place here and now past experiances, i know that by doing that i am only enforcing a state of self sabatoge and that is mainky what i have allowed and accepted of myself as a pot head, to give up on myself and let my self spiral out of self support and group support that desteni offers all due to my allowance of past experiances to form as memory within me and try to express itself without me, but it can not because the real me in here the man i want to be and see and i commit myself to run the mind through self forgiveness and self corrective statements untill it is done  where i can once again learn to trust myself. I commit myself to breathe through the exoeriance of memoried from my past experiances trying to exfuliate into my beingness and not allow myself to participate with such self sabatoging projections.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to creat enemys in my life through my projections of past experiances, when i know that my duty is to myself currently to assist and supoort myself here and now to build up a new luc that is not from my past as the pothead i was because i realize that the luc i was was not who i wanted to be amd that a month of sobriety has certianly shown me that i need to establish myself first within this new exoeriances of myself before i can ever learn to trust myself and trust others. I commit myself to breathe through the back chat of the past that trys to create enemys out of oeople and also an enemy of myself within self sabatoge where my mind brings me back to a state of beingness that i use to allow and acceot but do not any more! I commit myself to breathe and write my experiances out as detailed a possible to uncover the truth of myself and what i have become which will enable me to write a new luc to rescriot myself as to being the best for life and myself.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not trust myself and allowing myself to participate with the mistrust i had formed in myself from my past. I realize that here and now within breath is my chance to trancsend this point and to establish myself as trust in.myself know i will become the man i want to see by applying myself within self forgiveness and self corrective statements. I commit myself to breathe through the exoeriance of mistrust in myself and others by holding my agreements with myself first as my self support comes first at this time in my life as i have only recently found my true self within actually apply myself to create  and rescriot this self into reality.

i forgive myself for allowing and acceoting myself to not trust other beings as i know thisnus a sypmtom of not being able to trust myself. Of course i understand that trust is not somthing that can be given away freely and by learning to trust myself i will learn who i can olace trust in by seeing the words clearly and seeing the being clearly within self trust. I commit myself to realize that this point of trusting others is a difficult rescriot because people espechaly outside of desteni mostly cant be trusted and untill i have re scrioted my own self trust i connot possibly give trust away as i will only be hurting myself in the end. I commit myself to breathe and let go of the points of mistrust in ithers and kearn to develope this trust within myself untill i am fit and ready to apply trust in others.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project onto others based on last experiances as i realize completely that my past with a build of fairy shit that almost everything i was doing was based in some kind of self interest and not actual self supoort that will improves the quality of my life. I commit myself to realize that by quitting weed i have opened the door to self change and that 31 years of self creation can nkt be rescrioted in a month and that it will take serious dedication and time to rescriot a good base of self for me to go on as i realize now that i dont have an actual foundation of self support under me that all i have is an accumilation of past exoeriances that always broke down under me, i commit myself to build a strong foundation of self supoort before i even consider building a house that can support others as i realize my foundation is gaining actual stregth only this past month and that it will take time to break through the old foundation of self to create a new.

i forgive myself for allowing and acceoting fear into my new experiance of myself, fear of self sabatoge, fear of miss trust in myself, fear of crumbling under a weak foundation of self support, fear of projecting my shit onto others. I commit myself to realize that there is no fear here, that within this breath is only my ability to aoply myself within rescripting myself from an organic robot into life where i will no longer allow programs to go unoticed and instead run them through my new rescioting upgrade of self awareness, self forgiveness, and self correction through self commitment. I owe this to myself and to acouole key individuals that without them, i would not be here right now and of course i owe it to my world and life for all the harm i have caused.